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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Shock... The Fear...

BACA : Novel Kita Suka Sama Suka

Assalamualaikum n hi allz.. ^^


Happy Tuesday morning .

*as I'm writing this, it's still morning here. huuhuu . instead i'm not really happy while writing these, i hope you're happy n do not have this uneasy feeling like me here. ^^

Today, I'm not sharing any kind of novel/short-story in this post . i just wanna blend my mixed feeling when i got a shock news just now .

 i just want that feeling go away . gone from my mind . because i hate this feeling . :(

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What happened ? 

This early morning, when my phone alarms strike me up , i just awake *fully awake* when i realize that my mom texted me only to tell me about d accident had happened on her and asks me to see the pics of what happened to the car that got hurt badly . that incident occur while she's driving home from work. *her car got rammed by a Majlis Perbandaran lorry yesterday. n that lorry has dysfunctional brake ! whatta?!
*no brake?! it's just like you wanna punch that driver's face on that instant if he's right in front of you ! barulah facepalm kan... grrrr...

Just imagine how i should react to when i know all these . first that came my mind of course ; my mom does safe, doesn't she? nothing badly injured happen to her...that was my hope... n thankfully my hope turns real. she's okay , she's fine n what's most important , she's still alive ! *of course she is.. apalah aku ni kan... if not, how she could sent me the sms.

 the relieve i feel when knowing that she's okay, it's unexplainable by words.

it's just... Alhamdulillah, thanks Allah for saving her. for taking care of her all these times.... for giving me a chance again to still have a mom instead we're still not live in d same place. my angel that put my life in barakah by her du'a...

 Thanks Allah! N I really hope I'll be given more chances to make her happier with my successful in future. it's just I wanna my mom proud of me n watching my success right in front of her eyes! *arrr, tears... i told you, i hate tears! but it's still naryeo(falls down)*

Though I'm relief with it... This thought also comes to me.. The fear.... Yeah, the fear of losing. Losing my mom... i don't think i can't let it go nor my heart can tolerate with the fear in my entire life. Because my mom is the most special person that I'm afraid to lose....

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 Suddenly it reminds me to my younger cousin whom her mak died while she's in middle school (form 3) . c.o.d : because of the side effect of accident.

ACCIDENT . the similarities between our stories here. but on my side, i was fortunate but she didn't... :(

the accident happened when she(my aunt) was going back home after work... she (my aunt) was safe at first but later she died due to internal probs... after a month she was saved from that terrified accident,that news shocking my entire family. my most lovely and motherly aunty has passed away. *Al-Fatihah for her*

about my cousin that lose her mom bcs of that accident...
 i was 2 years older than her . only older by age , not in thinking n maturity. huhhu

i think i can't be stronger than her nor be strong as her if i'm in her shoes. yup, i really can't imagine that! i'm afraid to even imagine it!

During at that time...
 i watched her , slept by her side. she pretends to not cry. i'm aware of it as I'm non-stop keep my eyes on her every time... from she falls asleep beside me that night her mak's jenazah was brought home till during the funeral process. can you imagine the feeling?

 the tears that she holds off. broke my heart. the smile she grinned on her face while talking with our relatives, broke my heart too. She's a really soft-spoken person, unlike me, but her determination and heart is better/stronger than mine. if i'm in her situation, i don't think the rough-by-appearance me won't cry wholeheartedly all the time. the feeling of 'mak aku dah takde...' growing inside, stabbed your heart deeply....

 the very first time i saw she started to crying openly was when her village's neighbors came and said their condolences and comforting words to her... that's the first first time... n it broke my heart too..

 now, it has been 7 years since my aunt gone... but my cuz still longing and miss her. yeah... who won't right? every time the moment she misses her mother. the chance that she lost from that early age, i'm afraid i'll face it...

the longing for a woman... a woman who was gave birth to us... then struggling her entire life to raise us and fulfill our needs. the woman whom gives her eternity love to her children.
 the woman that's our angel in this harsh world... can you... can youuu imagine the pain if losing her? no, i can't... even a sec, i can't...

that's why i'm here, writing these, to lessen the shock... but not my fear... i just want to say goodbye to that fear. but i think it'll never lose from myself... my mind...

the love i have for her (mom) leads me to this fear . it's not i'm craving for attention by this post . i just wanna let the pain of fear go away, fades and then gone!

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 . for you that has lost your mom , i'm sorry... i'm really feel sorry if you read this . . . But i want you to know that you are STRONG and BRAVE because you had overcome the fear although you shed more tears...
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i know, Raya Haji is already around the corner, n that feeling strikes our memories of her... so much... too much... till we would say "how lucky they still have their mom...", "It must be better and happier if mom's here too..."... then unconsciously tears fall down again... huuuu...

Yeah, the miss... the longing won't be fade away...forever...till our last breath, i think... we learnt about love from her.. from a woman we called 'mak' or 'mom' or 'ibu'... A mother... the fondness that she had gave n gives won't be forget...

Just.... pray for the best for our mom... Salam rindu buat ibu.... I wish I could hug you, mom... I wish...


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1 comment:

Dah baca post entry ni? Ace komen sikit.. ^^